A Day in The Life
by Foolsgold Fenrir
Summary: 17 years later, the Loud siblings show what a day in their life is like. (Some genderbent, some original.) Rated T for language and some non-kid-friendly situations. This is a joke fic, please don't take it seriously.
1. Lexx

**_(A/N): Please don't take any of this seriously, yes there are stereotypes at play here but it is only meant to be funny. So please don't try to get my head on a spear for this, thanks. And yes, there will be others, not just of the genderbends, some of the originals too. They're all aged up by 17 years here to make the situations fit better. I would also like to thank Takaluca in providing some ideas for the skits mentioned here. Anyway, enjoy!_**

* * *

 _(alarm clock beeps, Lexx slaps a hand on top of it to make it stop)_

 **Lexx:** _(wearing a pink sleeping mask)_ "Looks like it's another day of showing the world true fabulousness with sass, class, and lots of ass!"

 _(he gets up with nothing but a bedsheet tied to his body, and immediately falls over)_

 **Lexx:** "I'm okay!"

* * *

 _(Lexx is now in the kitchen wearing a pink suit and pants with a white feather boa and a crown, along with sunglasses)_

 **Lexx:** "I made strawberry cupcakes, but they only taste good if you know the true joys of life."

 **Leif:** "I don't think putting rainbow stickers in the batter is gonna make 'em taste better, bro."

 **Lexx:** "Well just for that…" _(he takes a large bite out of the cupcake which reveals a half-eaten rainbow sticker in the middle and turns away)_ "You don't get any cupcakes."

* * *

 _(A camera is being set up, Lexx's face pops up)_

 **Lexx:** "So I, like, I have this twin brother who loves plumbing and stuff. Sometimes I clog the toilet on purpose, and while he's unclogging it I take a picture and then cum all over it. Wash, rinse, repeat. I never ask for the pictures, though, cuz then it wouldn't work."

 **Leif:** _(in the bathroom unclogging the toilet in the background, simply staring with a traumatized look on his face)_

* * *

 _(Lexx is now in the garden in nothing but a pink speedo, the crown, and sunglasses laying on a chair as gold coins fall on him)_

 **Lexx:** "Showers truly are the best thing in the universe."

 _(the coins start falling a bit harder)_

 **Lexx:** "Ow-ow-ow! Watch it butler, I told you to just sprinkle them softly."

* * *

 _(Still in the garden but now fully dressed in the same outfit as in the kitchen)_

 **Lexx:** _(holding a megaphone)_ "EAT SHIT, MELINDA! OH WAIT, YOU DO AND THE WHOLE BLOCK KNOWS IT!"

 _(unintelligible shouting is heard off-camera)_

 **Lexx:** "OH YEA?! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS THAT I GET ALL THE BIG DICKS AND YOU'RE STUCK WITH ALL THE SMALL ONES!"

* * *

 _(Walking on the sidewalk in a crowd, some chick walks past him)_

 **Lexx:** "Oh no, you did _not_ just step on my fucking toe with your goddamn cowboy boots that went out of style before I was born, bitch!"

 _(he proceeds to chase after the person that did it)_

* * *

 **Lexx:** "Eww, you drink milk? You should really eat healthier stuff, like carrots, eggplants, broccoli, pickles, cucumbers, sausages, and weiners. Especially the last two."

 **Lynn:** "Naw, man, those are all dick-shaped, I'm allergic to dick-shaped foods."

 **Lexx:** _(whispers to audience)_ "Don't worry about him, he's always a dumbass like that."

* * *

 _(sitting in his bed shirtless and with a fur coat)_

 **Lexx:** "Men always say I'm all girly and stuff. Bitch please, you're the one who's always hanging out with girls and eating them out. Not me, I get all the manly stuff right up my ass whenever I demand it. I'm even helping you because neither me nor my 'friends' go after girly stuff. And what's girlier than a girl?"

 _(a rock gets thrown at his window)_

 **Lexx:** "I don't care how often you get the mud baths at the spa, Chandler, you're still the girliest thing I've laid my eyes on."

 _(another rock, this time bigger, gets chucked at the window)_

* * *

 _(He's now standing near a "No Parking" sign)_

 **Lexx:** "I can park here because I'm _fabulous._ "

 _(5 minutes later)_

 **Lexx:** _(shoveling a hole somewhere in a garden)_ "And now they're making me work for the money to pay off the ticket like a bunch of dicks. And not the good, big ones that make your mouth water."

* * *

 _(on an airplane)_

 **Lexx:** _(with a fake smile and an angry glint in his eye)_ "I don't know if you heard me over the big brute engines, miss, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can safely pitty-pat us on the ground."

 **Random woman:** "In my country I am called a princess and take orders from nobody."

 **Lexx:** _(loses the smile)_ "Well, in _my_ country I am called a queen and I outrank you. Tray up, bitch!"

 _(the woman puts the tray up)_

* * *

 _(Watching titanic)_

 **DiCaprio** : "I am the king of the world!"

 **Lexx** : "Bitch please, I'm the queen of the universe. Plus, your GF preferred a wooden platform than you."

 _(proceeds to stuff mouth with gourmet popcorn)_

* * *

 _(At a bus stop next to a bunch of mean-looking twelve-year-old girls)_

 **Lexx:** "These little fuckers think they're hot shit when they have no idea what makeup is."

 _(he throws some pink glitter at one of their faces)_

 _A few moments later…_

 **Lexx:** _(running away from the group chasing him)_ "Perhaps that was a bad idea, oh God!"

* * *

 _(at Linka's house)_

 **Linka:** _(holding a white wedding dress)_ "So, what do you think about my wedding dress? I chose it with my friends."

 **Lexx:** "Oh my God, you and your friends know nothing about fashion." _(snaps fingers)_ "Loni, come here, we're gonna make all the bitches jealous of her."

* * *

 _(At Leif's front door, desperately knocking)_

 **Leif:** _(opens door)_ "Oh, what's up?"

 **Lexx:** _(panting out of breath)_ "The… the gang! I provoked a gang of 12 year old tomboys and now they want my ass on a silver platter!"

 **Leif:** "Wait, what? I don't think they count as a gang, but come in."

 _(Lexx does, Leif shuts and locks the door)_

 **Leif:** "They attack with mudballs, I don't think they count as a gang."

 _Lexx points to the peephole with a fearful look, they both take a look to see the gang putting knives in mudballs, the blades sticking out)_

 **Leif:** "Nevermind, time to call the cops."

* * *

 _(Laying in a bed)_

 **Lexx:** "Don't pretend you don't know what the dumptruck or felching is." _(he flips over, back facing the camera)_ "Now do both!"

* * *

 **Lexx:** _(with a plate full of weiners)_ "No, I'm not a vegan, are you crazy?! Meat is _DE-LEE-SHIOUS!_ Especially sausages, oh I always love a good hot dog." _(Shoves the meat in his mouth with his hands)_

* * *

 _(sitting on a throne of roses and holding a scepter)_

 **Lexx:** "I am the queen of _everything!_ And no, the thorns aren't hurting my ass, I'm just numb down there now."

* * *

 _(on the phone talking to someone)_

 **Lexx:** "Uh, no Lindsey, I won that damn pageant fair and square when we were six and I am _not_ giving up the title of 'Miss Cute And Mean' because it describes me perfectly!"

 _(mumbling on other side)_

 **Lexx:** "Don't you go bringing up the past now, that was only _one_ time that my twin won that Prim And Perfect pageant, and I had broken my fucking leg. High heels aren't the most stable of shoes, you know."

* * *

 _(reading a Twitter post out loud that he typed out)_

 **Lexx:** "Ugh, such homophobes. The food took forever to come, and there was no entertainment. So when I went to try and help them, they kicked me out 'cuz I'm gay, and when I refused, they called the police. I thought this was the 21st century. Never going back, 1 star."

 _( a notification of a reply sounds, from the owner)_

 **Owner:** "You got kicked out because you stripped down to your underwear and began dancing on top of your table. And then called all of the employees bitches."

* * *

 _(Just standing around in the garden when Lane runs up, pantses him and runs away laughing)_

 **Lexx:** _(not even bothering to pull them up despite going commando)_ "Oh wow, we got a real comedian here, huh?" _(pulls out the same megaphone from before)_ "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE _INTO INCEST, LANE! COME ON, I INCEST, HAHA, GET IT?"_

* * *

 _(down laying in bed, holding a large teddy bear)_

 **Lexx:** _(sniff)_ "They never understand, Teddy, nobody understands me. They just keep shouting at me, like they're better than me. _I_ am better than them!"

 _(looks down at teddy bear)_

 **Lexx:** "This is why everyone loves you, Teddy. You're such a great listener."


	2. Boy Lynn

_(scene begins in a gymnasium, with someone walking inside; cut to show Boy Lynn in the same outfit he used to wear when he was 13 except he has a whistle now)_

 **Lynn:** "Yo, my name is Lynn Loud. I work as a gym teacher at Royal Woods Middle School and this job is _ass._ "

 _(someone throws a basketball at him, hitting him in the crotch)_

 **Lynn:** "You're supposed to aim for the hoop, not my second head!"

 _(he picks up the ball and throws it back offscreen)_

* * *

 _(Lynn is standing on the sidelines supervising a game)_

 **Lynn:** "Y'know, I miss the simpler times when I was younger and gym used to be fun, and I fit in with everyone. Now my machoness makes _me_ the odd one while these pansies would rather be picking flowers.

 _(basketball gets thrown at him again, except this time it hits him in the actual head)_

* * *

 _(a kid walks up to him and taps him on the shoulder)_

 **Kid:** "Coach Loud, can I talk to you?"

 **Lynn:** "Yeah, Fatty, what's up?"

 **Kid:** "I was, uhh… I wanna practice to maybe join the football team."

 **Lynn:** _(laughs)_ "You? Oh come on, my granny would make a better quarterback and she's _dead!_ At least, I think so. Maybe my emo brother brought her back as a zombie or something, I don't know."

 **Kid:** "But I believe-"

 **Lynn:** "You know what I used to believe? That I would become an Olympic champion. You know what I actually became? A deadbeat gym teacher with an eating disorder and syphilis."

* * *

 **Lynn:** "Sometimes these kids think it's funny to draw this stupid crap on the reminder post-its, like this one."

 _(he takes one off the wall; it shows a crude drawing of him with large tits squirting milk)_

 **Lynn:** "Oh don't laugh, maybe if this _was_ me and I had a ponytail, I wouldn't be stuck with all of _you_ rats.

* * *

 _(he blows into the whistle and puts his hand up)_

 **Lynn:** "Hey, no having intercourse during warm-ups! Save that for the locker rooms, that way the mess is the janitor's problem instead!"

* * *

 **Lynn:** _(points to someone and blows into the whistle)_ "Hey you, yeah you! The kid that can't even do one push-up. If ya were my kid, I'd return you to the orphanage."

 **Kid:** "I'm not adopted."

 **Lynn:** "Boy, your mother thought you were a turd and threw you away. Thank the lady that feeds you everyday by tolerating a mountain of crap."

* * *

 _(holding a football)_

 **Lynn:** "Aaaaand _hut!_ Get this pigskin to the other side of the gym!"

 _(he throws it to someone off-camera)_

 **Lynn:** "Wait no, how the _hell_ do you mishear that as 'shove it up your ass'?! I am not taking you to the nurse, by the way, you can waddle on over there yourself!"

* * *

 **Lynn:** "Alright, everyone, grab your balls!"

 _(everyone grabs their crotch)_

 **Lynn:** "No, I meant the ones that have already dropped."

* * *

 _(Lynn is tied to the diving board in the room with swim class)_

 **Lynn:** "Oh goddammit, not again. This is the last time I let myself rest for 5 minutes while the kids play soccer."

* * *

 **Lynn:** "Alright, now grab a partner, we're gonna be doing various exercises even though the school board told me to make you play volleyball. But that's sissy shit so we're not doing that."

 _(several kids raise their hands)_

 **Lynn:** "And no, I know you're all stupid so I'm gonna spell it out to you. Your pathetic excuse under your pants that makes you 'men' is not gonna be used. So calm your asses down."

 _(all the hands go down)_

* * *

 _(he opens the gym door and addresses someone outside)_

 **Lynn:** "Principle Silverdick, one of the 7th graders is lighting the 6th graders' hair on fire again and I'm too lazy to put it out this time. Can you do it instead?"

* * *

 **Lynn:** "Ah, this is the third time in a row you didn't understand what I was saying? Lemme break it down for you stupid asswipes."

 _(he forces a smile)_

"Hey there, boys, my name is Coach Lynn Loud, and when I'm in this room I give the orders and you-"

 _(takes out megaphone)_

 **Lynn:** " _FUCKING OBEY THEM YOU GOD-AWFUL WASTES OF HUMAN FLESH DESCENDING TO THE PITS OF HELL!"_

* * *

 _(Lynn actually seems happy for once, Linka is in the room in a similar outfit except the shorts are orange rather than red and the shirt reads "1" on it)_

 **Lynn:** "Alright, so since I'm gonna go drown my sorrows- err, I mean, I've come down with the flu and can't teach today, Coach Linka is gonna be your substitute teacher."

 **Linka:** "They don't seem that bad, Lynn. I dunno why you've been acting so mean and melodramatic these days."

 _(one of them throws a full wastebasket at them, hitting them both in the gut)_

 **Linka:** "Oh okay, I see now."

* * *

 _(some kid is on the sidelines looking at his phone instead of participating, Lynn comes around and takes it)_

 **Lynn:** "Oh, whatcha got _there_ sonny? Something stupid as usual?"

 _(he takes a look; it's Lexx's Twitter page)_

 **Lynn:** "Yeah, I knew I should not expect a bunch of gay losers to not be looking at a spoiled gay loser. Emphasis on the 'loser' bit."

* * *

 _(holding a small bottle of pills)_

 **Lynn:** "Real athletes don't take drugs. Unless you're talking about steroids, then they take lots of drugs."

 _(he opens the bottle and downs all of the contents)_

* * *

 _(The kids are playing dodgeball. One skinny boy is dodging all the balls.)_

 **Lynn:** _(blows whistle)_ "Goddammit, who taught you pussies how to play dodgeball?!"

 _(grabs a ball)_

 **Lynn:** "This is how you do it!"

 _(throws the ball and hits the skinny boy right in the face, knocking him out)_

* * *

 _(Lynn kicks the doors open and walks into an office, then shuts the door, holding a piece of paper. He slaps it onto the desk.)_

 **Lynn:** "This is my letter of resignation, you can go fuck yourself and turn this into a blunt for all I care."

 _(walks over to the doors and kicks them open)_

 **Lynn:** "Now if you'll excuse me I have a hobo house to build. I'mma live off the streets so I don't have to deal with those jackasses anymore."

 _(walks out of the room without closing the doors)_


	3. Lana

_(scene starts with an alarm clock beeping, Lana slaps it a few times but it doesn't stop. So instead, she throws it at the window, crashing and landing on the ground)_

 **Lana:** _(yawns)_ "Ugh… another awful hangover. I don't even want to exist today."

 _(she gets up wearing a frog onesie and trips on some empty bottles on the ground, falling over)_

 **Lana:** "Goddammit!"

* * *

 _(at a table with a bowl of dry cereal and a bottle of vodka, she's now fully dressed in a pair of overalls, a blue shirt with an animal paw giving the middle finger, and a navy blue backwards cap)_

 **Lana:** "So I went on a site and found out that I've got some Russian heritage. And it sure doesn't lie!"

 _(she pours the bottle of vodka into the bowl of cereal)_

* * *

 _(sitting on a couch with a large dog on her lap)_

 **Lana:** "This here is Brick. He's a Shepherd-Husky mix, so his genes are much more diverse than your family branch."

 _(pause)_

 **Lana:** "Oh fuck you, I only banged my twin once, and we were _both_ drunk!"

* * *

 _(in the bathroom brushing her teeth)_

 **Lana:** "As a kid, they always kept telling me to brush my teeth 'cause otherwise I'd get a mouthful of cavities. Turns out they're a bunch of liars because I've been brushing my teeth everyday for the past year now and my cavities are still there!"

 _(she takes a vodka bottle and pours it into a plastic cup, then uses it to rinse her mouth)_

* * *

 _(at a pub with a few other guys and girls, holding a dart)_

 **Lana:** "Whoever doesn't get the bullseye is a girly girl-"

 _(throws the dart at the board and completely misses the entire thing)_

 **Lana:** "Except for me, of course, I'm never girly."

* * *

 _(in a janitor's basket at Royal Woods Middle School)_

 **Lana:** "Hey, whoever did this, thanks for the free meal. Wait, you're not supposed to drink the chemicals?"

 _(she leans forward and pukes)_

* * *

 _(in a bedroom holding someone's hand)_

 **Lana:** "Oh no, no, you got it all wrong. You're not a disappointment, it's just that the only thing that makes me sadder than the existence of zoophillia is the existence of your tiny dick."

* * *

 _(napping on the couch for a bit, until someone puts some flowers near her face)_

 **Lana:** "I don't want no damn flowers, you tryin' to kill me? I'm allergic to girliness!"

 _(takes out a plastic baggie of glitter and downs the contents)_

 **Lana:** "But I still can't help myself around pink salt!"

* * *

 _(at a bar now)_

 **Lana:** _(takes a sip out of a can)_ "Okay, who pissed in my beer? Oh wait... that was me." _(takes another sip)_ "Johnny Walker, Second Harvest."

* * *

 _(sitting on the couch again with the TV on, she seems to be pensive)_

 **Lana:** "Wait a minute… but if humans are animals… and my boyfriend's a human…"

 _(5 seconds later on the phone)_

 **Lana:** _(freaking out)_ "911, I'm a CRIMINAL!"

* * *

 _(at Washington D.C. near several historical documents, with Lola by her side)_

 **Lana:** "I'm gonna steal the Declaration of Independence."

 **Lola:** "Lana, i swear to God if you touch that-"

 **Lana:** _(takes it and runs away)_ "Yoink!"

 _(as police officers chase her)_

 **Cop: "** Stop breaking the law, asshole!"

 **Lana:** "You'll never take me alive or drunk, ya wanker!"

* * *

 _(Lisa gets a text while sitting in the same room as Lana. The text message reads "hoppity hippy, show me them titties")_

 **Lisa:** _(turns around to face Lana)_ "Are you seriously doing this again?"

 **Lana:** "Yes." _(takes a swig from a vodka bottle)_

* * *

 _(somewhere at yet another bar)_

 **Random Person:** _(to someone else at another table)_ "Oh hi, I'm Whitney, what's your na-"

 _(Lana runs over and punches her in the jaw)_

 **Lana:** "Leave the dogs alone!"

 **Whitney:** "I'm not from Wisconsin!"

* * *

 _(in Vanzilla, which is somehow still running, while Lori is driving, Lola is in the passenger's seat, and Lana is in the back)_

 **Lana:** _(drunkenly singing)_ "999 million bottles of beer on the wall, 999 million bottles of beer! Take one down and pass it around!"

 **Lori:** "Lola, can you literally please get her to shut up?"

 **Lola:** "No, I can't. She does this to every designated driver, usually me. Telling her to stop only makes her sing louder."

 **Lana:** " _999 MILLION BOTTLE OF BEER ON THE WALL!"_

* * *

 _(in the same car, just later at night, Lana is singing the Soviet Union anthem)_

 **Lori:** "I didn't know she supported communism."

 **Lola:** "She's really only in it for the vodka. And don't bother mentioning capitalism either, she'll just screech like a baboon-"

 _(Lana starts doing exactly that, even perfectly mimicking it)_

* * *

(In the middle of the Zombie apocalypse, Lana is clumsily walking with an empty bottle in her hands)

 **Lana** (drunk): "Hey pal, ya know where I can find some Vodka?"

 **Zombie** : " _ughh...Brains...uhhhh..."_

 **Lana:** "Fine, thanks for nothing, you decaying asswipe."

 **Zombie:** " _ughh… That's not nice… uhhhh…"_

 **Lana:** "Well neither are you, you clearly drank it all."

 **Lola:** "Actually, _you_ drank it all."

 **Zombie:** "BRAINS!"

 **Lola (** being eaten): "AHHHHH!"

 **Lana:** "See? Even they know you're full of BS."

 **Lola:** "No, they just know that I'm SMARTER than you!"

* * *

 _(Lola, back at Lana's house and somehow recovered)_

 **Lola:** "That's it, time for you to do-si-do on over to a twelve step program."

 **Lana:** _(slurring)_ "Oh c'moooooon… I'm not as _think_ as you _drunk_ I am."

 **Lola:** _(facepalms)_ "Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to have an identical twin rather than a polar opposite one…"

* * *

 _(the lights are turned off and there are strobe lights. Lana is standing on a table in high heels and Lola's dress)_

 **Lana:** _(singing)_ "I'm a Barbie girl… in a Barbie worrrrrld~"

 **Lola:** "GIVE ME BACK MY DRESS AND HEELS! But first…" _(pulls out her phone and starts recording a video)_

* * *

 _(at the doctor's office)_

 **Doctor:** "Do you smoke?"

 **Lana:** "Hell yeah, I smoke. Ten packs a day."

 **Doctor:** "Well, there's where the problem lies. Stop smoking, and you'll be healthy in no time."

 _(later while they walk out)_

 **Lola:** "Why'd you say that? You don't smoke."

 **Lana:** "If I told him that, then he'd ask if I drink, and no way in hell am I giving up my bottles." _(takes a sip of beer)_

* * *

 _(Lola is trying to get some sleep, only to be woken up by her phone ringing)_

 **Lola:** _(picks up the phone)_ "Uh huh, what the hell do you want?"

 **Lana:** _(riding on a bear in a snowy area with a shirtless man)_ "I think I got totally wasted last night again, now I'm riding a bear in Russia with this dude. Nikolai Belinski."

 **Lola:** "Again?"


	4. Lisa

_(scene starts in a lab, on a table with test tubes and chemicals all around, Lisa is face down still in a lab coat and regular clothes. She soon wakes up.)_

 **Lisa:** "Oh no, I've been doing experiments in my sleep again!"

 _(one of the beakers starts shaking, Lisa runs out of the room and shuts the door)_

 **Lisa:** "Evacuate the entire lab, evacuate the _LAB!_ I did it again!"

 _(explosion sounds from other side)_

* * *

 _(at her house musing to herself)_

 **Lisa:** "Yes, I am aware that Lana stole my teleportation device to steal the Declaration of Independence and go to Russia. Joke's on her, though."

 _(she takes out another one and clicks it, Lana suddenly pops up in the room looking traumatized)_

 **Lisa:** "I had a spare, and I can use it to transport others into other dimensions too. For example, one where zoorasty is legal and common practice. And I'm quite sure she met her counterpart in there somewhere."

 **Lana:** "W-What the FUCK is w-wrong with people?! Th-those poor dogs a-and goats! And why was I-"

 _(she turns to Lisa upon realizing how she got there, and starts growling and cracks her knuckles)_

 **Lisa:** "And I'm going to a dimension where I don't end up dead!"

 _(she clicks the device again and disappears right when Lana tries to lunge at her)_

* * *

 _(in the genderbent dimension in Lexx's house)_

 **Lisa:** "It seems I have arrived in Lola's house."

 **Lexx:** _(walks in)_ "Who the _fuck_ are you, and why do you look so much like my brother, Levi?"

 **Lisa:** "Something seems different about you, Lola, you seem much more like a female canis lupus familiaris. And who is this Levi?"

 **Lexx:** "I dunno what you just said or who Lola is, but tell that bitch to step off."

 _(he gets out a megaphone, runs to the window and starts shouting)_

 **Lexx:** "AND THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, MELINDA! STEP OFF!"

 **Lisa:** "Actually, I would prefer death." _(clicks the device again and disappears)_

* * *

 _(back at the lab which is now an utter mess with glass, chemicals and ash everywhere. Lisa is standing in front of a whiteboard covered in drawings of dicks)_

 **Lisa:** _(turns around)_ "Who's been drawing phalluses on my whiteboard?! Show yourself!"

 _(all the scientists in the facility, including David, poke their heads into the room)_

 **Lisa:** "Oh come on, you too, David?"

 **David:** "I couldn't help it, peer pressure is strong in here!"

* * *

 _(on the phone with someone)_

 **Lisa:** "What do you mean, you don't know who I am? I'm the only smart person in a town full of dumbasses!"

 _(pause)_

 **Lisa:** "It's not narcissistic if it's true! So yes, since I'm a genius let's just assume I'm always right to save time."

* * *

 **Lisa:** "Science cannot be proven wrong, for it is what we use to find the facts."

 **Random scientist:** "Actually, people used to believe that the Sun was in the center of the solar system until that was proven wrong-"

 **Lisa:** "And it was _science_ that proved it wrong!"

 **Random scientist:** "There was also the time that people thought-"

 **Lisa:** "One more word and I will use science to show what your innards look like."

* * *

 _(in front of something being covered with a white sheet. The monitor next to it starts beeping)_

 **Lisa:** "It's alive… it's ALIIIIIIIVE!" _(laughs evilly)_

 _(the thing gets up, revealing itself to be Charles. He starts barking happily.)_

 **Lisa:** "I felt bad for sending Lana to the dimension where Whitney Wisconsin's dreams came true, okay? Even if she kind of deserved it."

 _(she puts him in a dog kennel and gets ready to drive off)_

 **Lisa:** "You better not cause a zombie apocalypse."

* * *

 _(in a scientific institute's cafeteria having an argument with someone)_

 **Lisa:** "In layman's terms, eat my ass."

 **Random scientist (a different one):** "In layman's terms, suck my dick."

 **Lisa:** "Small objects are a choking hazard."

 _(they lunge at each other's throats)_

* * *

 _(in a car driving somewhere, someone behind her starts honking)_

 **Driver:** "Move or I'll flatten you like the Earth!"

 **Lisa:** "The Earth isn't flat, you _UNEDUCATED POTATO!"_

 _(she does a U-turn to end up behind the driver and rams the car into theirs. Lisa gets hit by an airbag.)_

 **Lisa:** "WORTH IT!"

* * *

 _(in the men's bathroom placing cameras, making sure they're as hidden as possible)_

 **Lisa:** "What? I may be a pervert, but at least I'm not an idiot. Now shut up, the show's about to start."

 _(she runs out and pulls out a phone. Suddenly, David appears on the screen and starts disrobing)_

 **Lisa:** _(her face goes red and she almost drops the phone)_ "OH SHI- _This was a possibility that I have neglected to factor in, and am now facing the conseque-"_

 _(she stops for a second)_

 **Lisa:** "Actually, things have turned out better than I first anticipated."

* * *

 _(Lisa is just working on something in the lab when she hears a knock)_

 **Lisa:** "Come in, and be quick so I don't have to deal with you for too long."

 _(The door opens and Lynn walks inside.)_

 **Lynn:** "Lisa, I really need your help with something?"

 **Lisa:** _(doesn't look up from her work)_ "What is it, athletic sibling?"

 **Lynn:** "So, I have this art friend that thinks I like to draw and wants me to bring in my favorite art piece for some reason. Do you know about the one with the guy doing jumping jacks with his meat out?"

 _(Lisa looks up, takes off her glasses and squints at her. She wipes the lens and puts them back on, still squinting. Her expression is 'WTF?' personified)_

* * *

 _(same lab, except it's empty. Aside from all the stuff being place right on the highest places possible. Some of it is even on the ceiling.)_

 **Lisa:** "Oh, very funny, who decided to take advice from Luan again, huh?" _(She tries to jump up to reach the stuff but cannot.)_

 **Lisa:** "Yeah, sure, pick on the one lacking the most in height, huh? The one that's barely an inch above five feet tall?"

 _(she turns toward the open door, where a group of scientists are standing and snickering as they watch)_

 **Lisa:** "How hilarious, I bet it was you, Anthony. You and your _narcissism,_ always being _smug._ "

 _(one of them, a tall man with red curly hair, takes out a notepad and writes something in it, then shows it to her. It reads "Lisa + Anger = Hypocritical Humor".)_

 **Lisa:** "You know what? I suspected this would happen, and so I constructed special springs into my shoes."

 _(she pushes a button and launches high into the air towards her stuff, and hits something around it, falling down.)_

 **Lisa:** " _Schwanzlutschers!"_

 _(she tries again, this time holding a drill and trying to drill a hole into the forcefield. It backfires, causing her to fall yet again)_

 **Lisa:** "DU HURENSOHNS!"

 _(many attempts later, all failed)_

 **Lisa:** "As soon as I retrieve my belongings… Hell will be more than just a religious creation and you will all be part of it."

* * *

 _(Lily runs over to Lisa after kicking the door open, not bothering to knock. Lisa has finally managed to get all her belongings back, too. Lily's hands are both on fire..)_

 **Lily:** "Lisa, Lisa, Lisa! I think one of your experiments has superpowers, you gotta see!"

 **Lisa:** _(doesn't look up, points to a line with all of their siblings)_ "Wait in line."

* * *

 _(suddenly, Lisa wakes up in a bed in a birthday suit, it is now dawn. There is another person in it too, Levi, in a similar state of "dress" as her but neither take notice of each other yet)_

 **Lisa/Levi:** _(groggily at the same time)_ "That was quite a succession of images and sensations… some very weird ones at that. I met my male/female counterpart, and his/her name was Levi/Lisa. I am not sure whether the next events would count as incest or fancy mastur-"

 _(they finally notice and turn to face each other, staring like deer in headlights.)_

 **Lisa/Levi:** " _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"_


	5. Lori

_(scene starts with Lori waking up in the front seat of Vanzilla, which is somehow still running 17 years later)_

 **Lori:** "Oh my god, what is up with this splitting headache…?"

 _(scene pans out to reveal that she's parked right near a bank with police sirens blaring)_

 **Lori:** " _What did I DO last night?!"_

 _(she drives off as fast as she can - the trunk is open and so is a large bag in it, labeled "The Goods." Lolipops start spilling out of it and into the streets)_

* * *

 _(back at the house, she and Lynn are in the backyard enjoying a glass of champagne.)_

 **Lynn:** "Yo, you got any funny sex stories?"

 **Lori:** "Ehhh, I dunno… what if the kids hear? They're the most innocent things on this planet as far as I'm concerned."

 **Lynn:** _(saddened)_ "Oh…"

 **Lori:** _(sighs)_ "Fine, there is a fun story. It was the time I gave my first blowjob-"

 _(suddenly one of Lori's kids pops up behind them - her daughter)_

 **Daughter:** "What's a blowjob?"

 **Lori:** I- uhh… well-

 **Lynn:** "It's when you take someone's dick and you put it in your mouth!"

 **Daughter:** "Eeewwww… hehehehehe!"

 _(Two minutes later, both of Lori's kids - her daughter and her son, are surrounding her and chanting the word 'blowjob' like there's no tomorrow)_

 **Lori:** "I literally hate everything…"

* * *

 _(in the car waiting in front of a school building)_

 **Lori:** "And when they're done, I'll let them eat cake!"

 _(The kids come back from school and climb into the car, showing their tests which both have a zero)_

 **Lori:** "The cake was a lie."

 _(she tosses a large cake right out the car's window)_

* * *

 _(in car, trying to grab her phone back which was stolen by one of her kids)_

 **Lori:** "Give me back my phone before you see the embarrassing _furry stuff!_ "

* * *

 _(in the house, Lori answers a phone call)_

 **Lori:** "What?"

 **Lincoln:** "Hey Lori, it's Linc. Listen, I know you're busy and all, but I need your help.

 **Lori:** "Lincoln, my schedule is literally packed today, I gotta pick up my kids from their stupid soccer practice or whatever it is. I don't have time for this."

 **Lincoln:** "Not even for girl advice?"

 _(Lori hangs up and in mere seconds, all of the Loud sisters are at Lincoln's house)_

 **Sisters:** "Who's the lucky lady?!"

 _(Lincoln screams at the sight and faints)_

* * *

 _(at a supermarket in an aisle. One of the kids holds a bag of candies)_

 **Lori:** "Put that back right now, Johnny. You know I never buy candy."

 _(Johnny throws the bag at her, she ducks and it falls to the floor)_

 **Lori:** _(puts her hands on her hips)_ "Try me, bitch. I'm telling your crush about the erectile dysfunction."

* * *

 _(at a video game store holding one of the boxes)_

 **Lori:** "Look at how violent this is, and they're showing this to children. Disgraceful."

 _(One of the kids nudges her, holding a box with XXX content)_

 **Lori:** "Oh yeah, you can get that, just let me take a look at it every night after you go to bed."

 _(she turns back around and picks up another game box)_

 **Lori:** "Geez, this is so violent, I literally can't believe they're selling this to kids."

* * *

 _(driving around in Royal Woods)_

 **Lori:** "This place smells like an asshole and yet it still smells better than mine."

* * *

 **Bobby:** "Babe, no offense but aren't you a bit too strict with the kids?"

 _(Lori flashbacks back 17 years ago when she was babysitting all of her younger siblings. They jump out at her and tie her up to a chair and proceed to trash the place. Then flashback to another more recent time where her two kids did the same exact thing.)_

 **Lori:** _(back to reality with a traumatized look on her face)_ "No. _I will show them no mercy._ "

* * *

 _(in a meeting room at her job)_

 **Lori:** "I'm surrounded by more dicks than a cartoon character in an R34 piece on the internet. And yes, that does include the ones of me."

* * *

 _(at the house, with Lincoln on the couch with the two kids)_

 **Kids:** "Uncle Lincoln, why can't you be our father?"

 **Lori:** _(eavesdropping and sweating nervously)_ "I-It's okay, Lori, they don't know about it... they don't know about the incest, it's okay."

 **Kids:** "What's incest?"

 _(Lori runs out of the room screaming)_

* * *

 _(In the kitchen with a broken coffee maker on the table)_

 **Lori:** "Okay, which one of you little shitheads broke it?"

 _(They squabble for some time, blaming each other while not knowing for sure)_

 **Lori:** _(out of earshot)_ "I broke it. It burned my hand, so I got angry and punched it. It was just getting too chummy in here."

* * *

 _(holding a bottle of vodka in the car at night)_

 **Lori:** _(takes a sip)_ "I gotta say, Lana was right about this. Maybe I should apologize for the time I changed her ringtone to the Barbie song and called her during her gator wrestling for tracking mud in the house."

 _(she takes another sip and ponders for a moment)_

 **Lori:** "Nah, she had it coming."

* * *

 _(she takes a step out of the car, only for some random person to run up to her and slap her phone out of her hands. It falls to the ground and breaks)_

 **Lori:** " _Bad choice, asshole._ I got a licence to kill! Well I don't, but I'll do it regardless due to probable cause."

 _(she takes out a bazooka from the car and starts chasing after the person)_

* * *

 _(she sees Carol Pingrey and stops in her tracks, pointing at her)_

 **Lori:** "Oh wow, still trying to act superior to me? Shows you haven't grown up 17 years later."

 _(Carol stops and gives her a look of confusion)_

 **Lori:** "Yeah sure, just because you're a CEO and I'm an accountant, doesn't mean you're better than me!"

 _(Carol starts walking away, still looking at her confused)_

 **Lori:** "Yeah, and your tits are small too!"

 _(she passes out from drunkenness and starts snoring, faceplanted on the sidewalk)_


	6. Lars

_(this time, it begins at night, with Lars rising out of a coffin bed. His arms are crossed and he is wearing a suit)_

 **Lars:** _Sigh,_ my funeral is still not today. I even bought formal attire.

* * *

 _(knocking on front door, Lexx opens the door to see Lars standing there and the crow of a raven can be heard. Lexx jumps in the air with a scream)_

 **Lexx:** "GAH, what the fuck?! You should've called first!"

 **Lars:** "I need you for so-"

 **Lexx:** "I don't give a fuck, bye."

 **Lars:** "But it's gay."

 **Lexx:** _(does a ballerina twirl and sashays back into the living room)_ "I still don't give a fuck, you pay for my fuck!"

 **Lars:** _(holds up a book labeled 'Gay Witchcraft')_ "But don't you wanna try out some gay witchcraft?"

 _(Lexx narrows his eyes and strokes his chin)_

 **Lars:** "I'll give you 20 bucks." ( _holds up a 20 dollar bill)_

 **Lexx:** _(snatches it)_ "Nope!"

 _(he shuts the door)_

* * *

 **Lars:** _(pulls up his right sleeve to reveal a tattoo of a jack-o-lantern with a goofy face)_ "This tattoo represents how scary I am."

* * *

 _(sitting out in a graveyard)_

 **Lars:** "They said gothness is just a phase. Well, it is. A lifetime phase, that is."

 _(he pulls out a radio from nowhere and starts playing Welcome To The Black Parade)_

* * *

 _(Lars is reading a Princess Pony book only for someone to take it)_

 **Lars:** "Goddammit, Great Grandpa Henry. I said you could read it when I'm done."

 _(ghostly incoherent whispers)_

 **Lars:** "No, _your_ mother's a _whore_ seman of the apocalypse!"

* * *

 **Lars:** _(wearing a Santa outfit)_ "I hate Christmas."

 **Random person:** "Why?"

 **Lars:** "People are too happy."

 **Lars:** _(wearing an Uncle Sam hat)_ "I hate the 4th of July."

 **Random person:** "Why?"

 **Lars:** "People are too happy."

 **Lars:** _(wearing a Batman costume)_ "I hate Halloween."

 **Random person:** "Why would you of all people hate Halloween?"

 **Lars:** "Because it makes me happy."

* * *

 **Lars:** "Yo, I got held back in high school once, had to take English twice. That's why I'm so _eloquent._ "

* * *

 **Lexx:** _(standing over a board with a piece of paper covering a word, and another word shown)_ "What's worse than a thot?"

 **Lars:** "A living person?"

 **Lexx:** _(staring at him while squinting his eyes)_ "...are you a damn necrophile?"

 _(Lars throws an Edwin bust at him which misses, but knocks off Lexx's crown)_

 **Lexx:** "Did you really think it was worth killing my pride for this?!"

* * *

 _(in Lars' basement, filled with gallows, spiked balls and other medieval weapons, lit up by flaming torches. It's all built with mossy stone)_

 **Linka:** "What the hell is all this? Did we go back in time or something?"

 **Lars:** _(holding a mace and wearing an executioner's mask)_ "Lynn insisted that I make him a personal gym, but make it more 'challenging' than a regular one. Needless to say, I customized a bit since he didn't specify otherwise."

* * *

 _(Melinda comes out of the house under a full moon, and transforms into a werewolf, howling at the moon)_

 **Linka:** "Wow, so my school bully really was a bitch all along!"

 _(Melinda growls and runs at her. Linka runs away screaming, passing by Lars' house)_

 **Lars:** _(holding a thot destroyer)_ "I really oughta thank Lexx and Levi for this one. Hey Melinda, vampires are better than werewolves."

 _(Melinda turns around, foaming at the mouth)_

 **Lars:** "Begone… THOT!" _(fires a silver missile, offscreen explosions can be heard)_

 _Later…_

 **Lars:** _(takes out a phone and dials a number)_ "The thot has been exterminated. Now are we gonna do gay witchcraft or not?"

* * *

 _(in a bedroom)_

 **Kids:** "Uncle Lars, can you read us a bedtime story?"

 **Lars:** " _Sigh,_ fine. Okay, once upon a time…"

 _(many, many MANY hours later)_

 **Lars:** "...and that's how darkness finally took over our world and we have realized just how badly our existence fucked everything up. The end."

 _(Kids shaking traumatized in bed)_

* * *

 **Random person:** "Hey Lars, what are you afraid of the most?"

 **Lars:** "Nothing."

 **Random person:** "Come on, there has to be something."

 **Lars:** "There isn't."

 **Random person:** "Never had nightmares or a tragic experience in your life?"

 **Lars:** "I don't have nightmares or tragic experiences. I _am_ nightmares and tragic experiences."

 _(Ominous music starts playing and a storm begins to form in the sky. Lars smiles as the other person grows more and more afraid. Lars disappears without a trace)_

* * *

 _(in a doctor's office)_

 **Lars:** "So doctor, how am I?"

 **Doctor:** "Err, well… I couldn't feel your pulse, or your heartbeats, or any other vital sign. Technically, you're dead."

 **Lars:** "Ah, so everything's normal then."

* * *

 _(Lars walks into a house, not his, holding a white goat wearing a red bell collar and has black hair covering its eyes, similar to his)_

 **Linka:** "What the _fuck_?!"

 **Lars:** "I went to the petting zoo and this guy followed me all the way out. His name is Baphomet."

 _(goat screams)_

 **Leif:** _(pops out from behind)_ "Isn't he great?"

 _(Linka keeps staring, not sure how to respond)_

* * *

 **Random person:** "Hey, have you ever entered the Deep Web? I wanna see it."

 **Lars:** _(holding a laptop)_ "No you don't. I've seen things that humanity should never witness."

 **Random person:** "Aw c'mon, how bad could it be?"

 **Lars:** _(gets all up in their face)_ "I saw stuff so bad, that I had to lift up my bangs to double check whether the stuff I saw was real. I never lift up my bangs."

 _(silence for a few moments)_

 **Random person:** "...so you _are_ afraid of something-"

 **Lars:** "Shut up."


End file.
